A leader can genuinely want feedback and still make it difficult for people to give it.
A broad question like “Any feedback for me?” can leave an employee unsure what to say, while a defensive response can make them question whether honesty was really welcome.
In this episode of The LeaderLab, Dr. Dossier Harps joins Micaela Mathre to explore a more useful approach: pulling for feedback.
Rather than waiting for someone to offer input, leaders can ask deliberate, specific questions that make it easier for people to share something useful. Dossier frames this as an act of service: understanding how to show up better for the people around you, rather than looking for reassurance or trying to get everything right.
The AI discussion draws a useful line between preparation and mindset. AI can help managers sharpen their questions, prepare for conversations, and get coaching across different communication styles. What it can’t do is create a real willingness to hear feedback. As Micaela points out, behavior change depends on meaning and connection, not just better wording.
“Asking specific questions is only the first step. After we’ve done that, the second step is to receive really well, and that is actually the part that creates psychological safety.”
— Dr. Dossier Harps
For People, HR, and L&D leaders, the takeaway is straightforward: managers need practice asking for feedback and receiving it well, not just giving it. When feedback gets too vague or overly polite, employees can miss what they need to improve. Building a stronger feedback culture depends on both the questions leaders ask and how they respond to the answers.
Workshops:
Programs:
Read:
Resources:
Watch:
Transcript:
The LeaderLab Podcast: Dossier Harps
Dossier Harps (00:00:00.080)
The feedback withholding bias—it was a study done at a university where they had people
evaluate wri9ng samples. They were told, “Here are the essays from white students, and
here are the essays from non-white students.”
Both sets of students received equally as much posi9ve feedback. However, the white
students received more cri9cal feedback. Essen9ally, the evaluators withheld cri9cism out of
fear of coming across as biased or prejudiced.
As a result, the students didn’t receive the informa9on they needed to grow.
Dossier Harps (00:00:33.619)
The reality is that a lot of people from the workplace may not be geFng the cri9cal
informa9on they need to improve. This concept of pulling is also important because, in some
cases, people will have to take personal agency over geFng the informa9on they need to
ensure that they are performing to certain standards in their jobs.
Micaela Mathre (00:00:51.820)
Welcome to the Leader Lab podcast. I’m Micaela Mathre, Chief Marke9ng Officer at LifeLab
Learning. If you’re a senior people leader, you’re naviga9ng a workplace that’s changing
faster than ever. This season, we’re exploring what it really takes to build resilient and
adaptable leaders, managers, and teams. Let’s dive in.
Dossier, welcome to the Leader Lab. We’re so excited to have you today. I have been really
looking forward to this conversa9on.
Micaela Mathre (00:01:17.280)
For those that are not familiar, I’m really excited to introduce Dr. Dossier Harps, who is a
facilita9on manager here at LifeLabs Learning. Dossier holds a doctoral degree in leadership
from Pepperdine University and a Bachelor of Science in Human and Organiza9onal
Development from Vanderbilt.
Micaela Mathre (00:01:33.159)
AVer five years of facilita9ng over 1,000 LifeLabs workshops, she now leads a na9onal team
of our facilitators. You can also find her presen9ng keynotes or webinars for our HR
community. She has run workshops for brands like Google, the NBA, America’s Test Kitchen,
the Obama Founda9on, and Paramount Pictures. Welcome—so excited to have you on.Dossier Harps (00:01:55.439)
Thank you so much.
Micaela Mathre (00:01:56.260)
Today, we’re here to talk about pulling for feedback. When we think of feedback, it’s
something that you oVen9mes wait for or give. So you think of the act of giving feedback.
We’re going to flip that concept on its head today and talk about what it means to
proac9vely pull for feedback. What does it mean to pull for feedback?
Dossier Harps (00:02:15.300)
Pulling for feedback is asking for feedback instead of wai9ng around for it to be given to us.
It’s staying curious, and it’s an act of service.
Dossier Harps (00:02:24.699)
It’s not an act of people pleasing or behaving out of fear—like, “Is someone mad at me?”—
or an obsession of wan9ng to be perfect. It’s not in that realm. It’s more of an act of service,
inten9onality, and understanding: “Am I showing up in the best way possible to be of service
to the people around me?”
Micaela Mathre (00:02:45.659)
I love that. So tell us a lible bit about the what. Like, what is it when we pull for feedback?
What are we doing in that moment?
Dossier Harps (00:02:53.319)
We are asking very deliberate ques9ons. Your ques9on was the what, but I’m going to get a
lible bit into the how. When we pull for feedback, it’s not always good enough to just say
things like, “So, got any feedback for me?” or “What do you think about how I’m doing in the
workplace on this par9cular task?”
Dossier Harps (00:03:12.080)
Instead, it’s being really mindful and deliberate about what is the most salient piece of
informa9on that is going to be useful for me to get 10% beber at something.
Micaela Mathre (00:03:22.539)
I like that. Can you give us an example? Like, what might a feedback ques9on sound like?Dossier Harps (00:03:27.939)
So, for example, let’s say you are facilita9ng a mee9ng and you ask a ques9on. You no9ce
there’s very low par9cipa9on and not a lot of people are giving input or speaking up in the
mee9ng.
Dossier Harps (00:03:39.759)
Your feedback ques9on could sound something like, “What’s one thing I could do to increase
par9cipa9on in mee9ngs?” or “Can you give me a lible context about why people may not
be answering ques9ons or speaking up in mee9ngs?”
It’s really an act of curiosity to understand the root cause of something that you are
observing, or to gather informa9on for how you can improve.
Micaela Mathre (00:04:04.430)
And I think there’s something there around the specificity. We talk about that in feedback in
general, right? In our workshops, we have the playing cards method that we teach in our
feedback workshop. Can you tell us about the playing cards method? You’ll explain it beber
than I will.
Dossier Harps (00:04:18.759)
Sure. The playing cards method is a simple way to help us remember the type of feedback
we’re giving and whether the feedback is very clear and specific, or if it’s broad, vague, and
blurry.
For example, if I say something like, “You need to take more ini9a9ve,” the brain is
automa9cally going to start wondering: “Take ini9a9ve on what? I thought I was taking
ini9a9ve. Or does that sound really cri9cal?”
Dossier Harps (00:04:41.839)
People could go into a fight or flight response mode, versus something like being very
specific and saying, “When you no9ce that someone has not done their part on the project,
go ahead and let them know”—versus wai9ng on me to do it.
Micaela Mathre (00:04:56.540)
And the playing cards method, we oVen apply to giving feedback, but I think the concept
here and the through line for me is that you can be just as specific when you’re pulling for
feedback. You’re going to get a different type of response when you add that layer.Dossier Harps (00:05:10.288)
That’s right. When we say things like, “So, you got any feedback for me?” or “How can I
improve our mee9ngs?”, that might sound specific on the surface because it’s a specific
topic if you’re talking about the mee9ng.
Dossier Harps (00:05:21.348)
But the ques9on is so broad and general that it could actually s9ll cause the stress that we
are trying to avoid. The brain wonders, “What if I say something you weren’t expec9ng?
What if I offer informa9on that actually might cause you to be more defensive?”
So the more specific and granular we can get with our ques9ons, it sends the signal that we
really care—that we truly want to hear feedback on the thing that we are asking for.
Micaela Mathre (00:05:47.348)
Guilty as charged. I have absolutely turned to my team and said, “What feedback do you
have for me?” or, you know, in individual one-on-ones, “What could I be doing beber?” And
I’m curious about: how does the power dynamic play into the prac9ce of pulling for
feedback?
Dossier Harps (00:06:02.487)
Sure. Well, there’s a term called the CEO disease, which means that the higher you are
within an organiza9on or the more senior 9tle that you have, the less likely people are to
give you open and honest feedback and share their truest feelings and opinions about either
your leadership style or how things are going on a project.
And you don’t have to have a CEO 9tle for the CEO disease to apply.
Dossier Harps (00:06:29.168)
It could be a manager role. But when we have certain 9tles and posi9ons of authority, for
some people, it could be cultural—in thinking about how we understand hierarchy. It could
be personality. It could be the way that we were raised. There are just some people who will
not give cri9cal feedback to people in posi9ons of power and authority.
Dossier Harps (00:06:48.127)
And so, if we are in a posi9on of authority, that comes with great responsibility: to create
safe spaces for people to share true and honest feedback about their experience as an
employee and how things are impac9ng their ability to perform really well.
Some9mes, the only way we might get that informa9on is if we ask for it.Micaela Mathre (00:07:07.267)
I like what you’re sharing here, which is that there is an opportunity to create psychological
safety. I mean, the assump9on is: if you’re asking for feedback, then you actually want to get
it. You’re going to be open to receiving that.
Any 9ps, like, as you’re proac9vely pulling for feedback? How do you receive it, or how do
you create that sort of psychological safety for folks?
Dossier Harps (00:07:28.447)
Yes, I’m glad you men9oned the word receive, because that’s the second part of being a
skillful feedback puller. Asking specific ques9ons is only the first step. AVer we’ve done that,
the second step is to receive really well—and that is actually the part that creates the
psychological safety.
Dossier Harps (00:07:46.387)
It’s not the asking in and of itself, but it’s how we respond when we get the answer. How we
respond will then train the people around us on whether it is okay to actually be forthright
and honest about what they are thinking.
Dossier Harps (00:08:01.588)
So, if we are defensive or we begin to over-explain—and some9mes there might be areas
where we do need to provide educa9on or give other perspec9ves—one of the best things
that we can do in the moment is just pause and sit with the feedback. If we need to respond
or give alterna9ve perspec9ves, maybe do so in the next follow-up. But it is important to
hold space to allow that person to speak freely. That will send a signal to the brain: “Is it
actually safe to do this again?”
Micaela Mathre (00:08:31.427)
I’m going to speak for myself in this too. Our first response to feedback is defensiveness. Is it
human nature? Like, why do we get defensive when we’re geFng feedback?
Dossier Harps (00:08:39.988)
It is human nature. It’s how we are wired. There’s something called the amygdala hijack—
the amygdala, that lower limbic, primi9ve part of the brain. When we feel threatened, our
brains go into a fight or flight response. There are other responses like fawn and freeze, but
to keep it simple, I’ll focus on fight or flight.Dossier Harps (00:08:58.618)
When we start hearing cri9cal informa9on—par9cularly if it’s about behavior or something
about ourselves versus a task or a project—we feel threatened. We wonder, “Does this
mean I’m at risk of losing respect and admira9on of the people in my community? Does this
mean I might not get the performance bonus? Does this mean I might be at risk of not
receiving the promo9on?”
Our brains start to run wild with thoughts of what’s at risk or what’s at stake because we’re
receiving this feedback.
Dossier Harps (00:09:30.847)
And the beauty is, when we pull, it gives us some agency and control to regulate our bodies
from the beginning. We are asking and pulling for very specific things. So that’s actually one
benefit of pulling for feedback—it helps calm the brain and body. It helps regulate our
nervous system, versus when we get that feedback unexpectedly. Our brains really run wild
with those intrusive thoughts.
Micaela Mathre (00:09:54.488)
That’s such a great, judgment-free way to think about the impact of feedback. I think it’s
helpful to understand the science behind it. I’m curious: obviously, there’s AI usage in our
personal lives and AI usage in the workplace. Is there a specific way that we could leverage
AI to prepare for a pull for feedback?
Dossier Harps (00:10:18.687)
There are tools we can use to help us craV ques9ons, and I think that’s important to
delegate. A lot of people believe and think that we are really clear communicators—and
spoiler alert, we are not.
Dossier Harps (00:10:31.008)
Right? Even when we think that we are asking high-quality, specific ques9ons, it may not
always translate the way it is in our own minds. This is par9cularly true when we’re working
with mul9cultural teams or when we all come from different walks of life, different
personali9es, and different ways of processing.
Dossier Harps (00:10:49.187)
So there are ways that you can use AI as a tool to find ques9ons and to seek coaching. But
what AI can’t do—AI cannot give you the mindset or the aFtude that this is important and
valuable, and that this is an important leadership skill that will help you show up beber for
the people around you in the workplace. It can’t give you that art piece.Micaela Mathre (00:11:11.118)
Thank you for sharing that. I think a lot about, obviously here at Life Labs, behavior change.
That’s what we’re all about—how do we con9nue to improve and change behavior?
Micaela Mathre (00:11:21.827)
I love what you’re geFng at there, which is: in order to change, there has to be a sense of
meaning, connec9on, and human interac9on is cri9cal. Dossier, when we chabed last week,
you talked about a study that I’d actually love to come back to—around the impact of bias in
this world of pulling for feedback. Can you tell us a lible bit about that study?
Dossier Harps (00:11:47.327)
So the study is from 2012, and it’s called the feedback withholding bias. It was a study done
at a university where they had people behave as evaluators to evaluate wri9ng samples.
They were told, “Here are the essays from white students, and here are the essays from non-
white students.”
Interes9ngly, when it came to posi9ve and cri9cal feedback on the quality of wri9ng,
gramma9cal mistakes, and so forth, both sets of students received equally as much posi9ve
feedback.
Dossier Harps (00:12:22.707)
But the white students received more cri9cal feedback than the minority students.
Essen9ally, the evaluators withheld cri9cism out of fear of coming across as biased or
prejudiced. What ended up happening is that the students didn’t receive the informa9on
they needed to grow, get beber, and improve—hence they would s9ll be behind.
Dossier Harps (00:12:45.947)
How does this translate into the workplace? Well, it s9ll shows up. I remember once I was
talking to an HR professional, and they were telling me they spend a lot of 9me transla9ng
feedback on performance reviews—some9mes to minority employees in the workplace. The
employees don’t understand: “I’m actually being put on a performance evalua9on PIP” or
“This is something I need to improve”—because managers are not being clear. In some
cases, they’re too polite, too kind, or too vague.
Dossier Harps (00:13:15.908)
The reality is that a lot of people, for whatever reason in the workplace, may not be geFng
the cri9cal informa9on they need to get beber. And so, this concept of pulling is also
important because, in some cases, people will have to take personal agency over geFng the
informa9on they need to ensure that they are performing to certain standards in their jobs.Micaela Mathre (00:13:36.057)
Thank you so much for joining us on the Leader Lab, Dossier. If folks want to ask you a
ques9on or follow up with you, or stay in your orbit—which I strongly recommend, it’s a
very good orbit—what’s the best place to find you? What’s the best way to get in touch?
Dossier Harps (00:13:49.447)
The best way to get in touch is via LinkedIn. You can find me under my name, Dossier Harps,
and I look forward to connec9ng.